M. Smith

I was born just before USSR collapsed, and in school we were not really taught any ideologies. There was chaos around, and everyone tried to grab something on the ruins of totalitarian state. Soviet generation was still strong, but not very adequate – looking at them I got fear of getting old. I have all sorts of fears and prejudices, but that is not very interesting to read about. It’s much more interesting to read about sex — I have a whole page named «Sex» on a website, so we can talk about. 

I was always fascinated by pornstars – not pornography itself, but the reality of being a pornstar, someone who manages to perform a love act in public, many times, surrounded by cameras and studio lights – and millions of people watch it after. What a delightful disgrace. They must be extremely, fantastically rich, I thought, but they also should be total outcasts, thrown away out of society, what a miserable living it should be, I thought.
I was a teenager then, I wanted to understand, why do people choose such living.
Much later, by the way, I caught myself thinking the same about homeless people – how do they keep their self-esteem in the place? But it was an easier task, I can tell you. They feel like a proper rebels. Like: We are fucking society, and we are standing on the edge, like nobody can. 
I’ve been at some edge-ish situations  myself at that moment, and I was just older, when i had this thought about homeless people  It’s good to be a little bit older than teenagers,  honestly. Maybe it’s just me, but i was completely disoriented in life while being a teenager, I had so much confidence with so little competence,  I had opinions about absolutely everything, but I knew completely nothing. Fortunately, I went to university to study psychology , which was a good choice in terms of personal development, but not a very good one in terms of career, but I like psychology.
I am interested in relationships, motifs and why some things cause the other things and why do people act in certain ways, why do we react differently? It’s funny, isn’t it, how a post-soviet teenager tries to understand what it is – to be a pornstar? And she can’t, but she can at the same time – not knowing doesn’t stop from creating the detailed picture in your head, isn’t’ it? That’s called ‘cognitive bias